Walking on Eggshells: Understanding Coercive Control and Gaslighting
Do you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells around someone? This article explores the signs of coercive control and gaslighting, the impact they can have on confidence and wellbeing, and how therapy can help you reconnect with yourself and your own voices
Walking on Eggshells: Understanding Coercive Control and Gaslighting
Have you ever found yourself carefully choosing your words before speaking?
Perhaps you've rehearsed conversations in your head, worried about how someone might react.
Maybe you've changed your behaviour to avoid upsetting them, avoided certain topics, or found yourself constantly checking their mood before deciding what to say.
Many people describe this feeling as "walking on eggshells."
At first, it may seem like you're simply trying to keep the peace.
Over time, however, it can become exhausting.
You may begin to feel anxious, confused, or even responsible for another person's emotions and reactions.
For some people, walking on eggshells can be a sign that they are experiencing coercive control or gaslighting within a relationship.
What Does Walking on Eggshells Feel Like?
When we feel emotionally safe, we can express ourselves openly, disagree respectfully and make mistakes without fear.
When we don't feel safe, things can begin to change.
You might find yourself:
Overthinking every conversation
Apologising frequently
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Keeping your thoughts to yourself
Feeling anxious when their mood changes
Monitoring their reactions
Feeling responsible for keeping them happy
Second-guessing your own feelings
Many people tell themselves:
"If I just say the right thing..."
"If I don't upset them..."
"If I try harder..."
Yet somehow the goalposts keep moving.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control isn't always obvious.
Many people expect controlling relationships to involve shouting, threats or physical violence.
While these things can occur, coercive control is often much more subtle.
It can involve a pattern of behaviours designed to influence, intimidate or control another person.
Examples might include:
Monitoring where you go
Criticising your choices
Isolating you from friends or family
Controlling finances
Making you feel guilty for having needs
Creating rules that only apply to you
Punishing you emotionally when you disagree
Making you feel responsible for their behaviour
Often these behaviours develop gradually.
You may not notice them at first because they become normal over time.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their own reality.
It can sound like:
"That never happened."
"You're too sensitive."
"You're imagining things."
"You're remembering it wrong."
"I never said that."
"Nobody else would see it that way."
When this happens repeatedly, people often begin to doubt themselves.
You may start questioning:
Your memory
Your judgement
Your feelings
Your perception of events
Over time, you may find yourself trusting the other person's version of reality more than your own.
The Hidden Impact
One of the most painful aspects of coercive control and gaslighting is that the effects are often invisible.
From the outside, others may not see what is happening.
Yet internally, you may be experiencing:
Anxiety
Hypervigilance
Loss of confidence
Difficulty making decisions
Self-doubt
Emotional exhaustion
Isolation
A loss of identity
Many people describe feeling as though they no longer recognise themselves.
The confident, capable person they once were seems to have disappeared.
Why Is It So Hard To Recognise?
One of the biggest misconceptions about controlling relationships is that people should immediately recognise what is happening.
In reality, most people don't.
Relationships rarely begin with control.
Many start with love, connection, excitement and hope.
The controlling behaviours often emerge gradually, making them difficult to identify.
You may simply notice that you're becoming smaller, quieter or more cautious.
You know something doesn't feel right, but you can't quite put your finger on why.
For many people, reading about coercive control and gaslighting is the first time they find language for what they have been experiencing.
Why Do People Stay?
This is a question often asked by people who have never experienced this type of relationship.
The reality is far more complex than it appears.
People stay because:
They love the person
They remember how things used to be
They hope things will improve
Their confidence has been eroded
They fear the consequences of leaving
They have become isolated from support
They blame themselves for the problems
Often people are not choosing between a good relationship and a bad relationship.
They are choosing between uncertainty and the hope that things might return to how they once were.
Recovery Starts With Trusting Yourself Again
Healing from coercive control and gaslighting is often a process of reconnecting with yourself.
Learning to trust your thoughts.
Trust your feelings.
Trust your instincts.
Trust your memories.
Many people discover that the voice they stopped listening to was their own.
Recovery isn't simply about leaving a relationship.
It's about rebuilding confidence, rediscovering who you are and learning that your feelings, needs and experiences matter.
How Blooming Therapy Can Help
At Blooming Therapy, I provide a safe, supportive space for people who are struggling with difficult relationship dynamics, trauma bonds, coercive control, gaslighting and the emotional impact these experiences can leave behind.
Many clients arrive feeling confused, exhausted or unsure whether their experiences are "serious enough" to talk about.
Therapy isn't about judging your choices or telling you what you should have done differently.
It's about helping you make sense of your experiences, rebuild trust in yourself and reconnect with the person you were always meant to be.
If you have spent a long time walking on eggshells, therapy can offer a space where you no longer have to.
Further Reading
If this article resonated with you, you may find the following books helpful alongside therapy:
The Gaslight Effect by Dr Robin Stern explores how gaslighting can cause us to question our own reality and offers practical guidance for rebuilding self-trust.
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft provides insight into controlling and manipulative relationship dynamics and helps readers understand behaviours that can be difficult to identify whilst experiencing them.
While books can offer understanding and validation, they cannot replace the safety and personalised support that therapy can provide. Many people find that reading alongside therapy helps them make sense of their experiences and begin rebuilding confidence in themselves.
© 2026 Blooming Therapy. This article was written by Sara Reynolds. Please do not copy or reproduce this content without permission. If you would like to share it, you're very welcome to share a link to the original article.
The content is intended for information and reflection only and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice or therapy.