What is DARVO ?
What is DARVO? Learn how the patterns of Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender can leave people feeling confused, guilty, and questioning themselves, and discover how therapy can help rebuild confidence and trust in your own experiences.
DARVO: When Accountability Gets Turned Back on You
Have you ever raised a genuine concern with someone, only to leave the conversation feeling confused, guilty, defensive, or somehow responsible for the very behaviour that hurt you?
If so, you may have experienced a manipulation tactic known as DARVO.
DARVO stands for:
Deny
Attack
Reverse Victim and Offender
The term was developed by psychologist Dr Jennifer Freyd to describe a common response used by some individuals when confronted about harmful behaviour.
Understanding DARVO can help people recognise unhealthy communication patterns, make sense of confusing interactions, and begin rebuilding trust in their own experiences.
What Does DARVO Look Like?
When someone is confronted about behaviour that has caused harm, a healthy response might involve listening, reflecting, taking responsibility, or attempting to repair the relationship.
In contrast, a person using DARVO often follows a different pattern:
1. Deny
The first response is often denial.
They may minimise, dismiss, or completely reject what has happened.
Examples might include:
"That never happened."
"You're imagining things."
"You're too sensitive."
"You're making a big deal out of nothing."
The goal is often to avoid responsibility and create doubt around the victim's experience.
2. Attack
If denial alone doesn't work, the conversation may shift into criticism or blame.
The person may attack the other person's character, intentions, or credibility.
For example:
"You're always looking for problems."
"You're impossible to talk to."
"No wonder people get frustrated with you."
The focus moves away from the original concern and onto the person who raised it.
3. Reverse Victim and Offender
The final stage is often the most confusing.
The person who caused harm presents themselves as the victim, while the person who spoke up is portrayed as the aggressor.
Suddenly the conversation becomes:
"How could you accuse me of that?"
"You're hurting me."
"I can't believe you'd think so badly of me."
"After everything I've done for you."
Instead of discussing the original issue, the victim finds themselves defending their character, comforting the other person, or apologising.
How DARVO Can Make Someone Feel
Experiencing DARVO repeatedly can have a significant emotional impact.
Many people describe feeling:
Confused about what actually happened
Guilty for raising concerns
Anxious before difficult conversations
Responsible for other people's emotions
Unsure whether their feelings are valid
Afraid to speak up in the future
Emotionally exhausted after interactions
Over time, a person may begin questioning their own memory, judgement, or perception of events.
This can be particularly difficult when DARVO occurs within close relationships, families, workplaces, or friendships where trust is expected.
Why Is DARVO So Effective?
DARVO works because it shifts attention away from accountability.
Instead of focusing on the behaviour that caused harm, the conversation becomes centred on the reaction to it.
The original concern gets lost.
The victim may spend so much energy defending themselves that they never receive acknowledgement for the hurt they experienced.
This can create a cycle where important issues remain unresolved and the victim becomes increasingly hesitant to raise concerns in the future.
Recognising DARVO Is Not About Blame
It's important to remember that recognising DARVO is not about labelling people or diagnosing others.
Relationships and conflicts are often complex.
However, understanding this pattern can help individuals notice when conversations consistently leave them feeling confused, guilty, or responsible for harm they did not cause.
Awareness allows people to step back, reflect, and consider what is actually happening within the interaction.
How Therapy Can Help
Experiencing DARVO can leave people feeling disconnected from their own thoughts, feelings, and instincts.
Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these experiences without judgement.
Together, we can:
Make sense of confusing relationship dynamics
Rebuild trust in your own perceptions and feelings
Explore healthy boundaries
Develop confidence in communication
Reduce feelings of guilt and self-blame
Strengthen self-esteem and self-worth
Understand the impact these experiences may have had on your wellbeing
Many people find that simply having their experiences heard, understood, and validated can be a powerful first step towards healing.
Final Thoughts
When accountability is repeatedly turned back on the person who has been hurt, it can create confusion, self-doubt, and emotional distress.
Understanding DARVO can help people recognise these patterns and begin trusting their own experiences again.
You deserve relationships where concerns can be expressed safely, accountability is shared, and your feelings are treated with respect.
Healing begins with understanding and support is available when you're ready.
Ready to Talk?
If this article resonated with you, you're not alone.
Many people who have experienced DARVO, gaslighting, or other unhealthy relationship dynamics spend years questioning themselves, minimising their feelings, or wondering whether they are "overreacting."
Therapy offers a safe, confidential space to explore your experiences, make sense of difficult relationships, rebuild trust in yourself, and strengthen your sense of self-worth.
You do not have to carry confusion, self-doubt, or emotional pain on your own.
If you would like to explore how counselling could support you, I warmly invite you to get in touch.
🌿 Blooming Therapy
Supporting growth, healing, and self-discovery.
Visit: www.bloomingtherapy.co.uk
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